I'm typing this from upstairs in bed at 11:05 PM which means that I only have 55 minutes to actually write this. Otherwise my arbitrary time limit I placed on myself will be totally violated.
And that would result in... I dunno, ninja assassins or something.
Plus, it's pretty hard to type on an iPad. The keys aren't quite big enough, or something. I don't like it. *hisses like a cat*
Anyways? Today's topic is 5 things you would tell your 16 year old self. In no particular order, they are:
1) This incredible pain you're feeling is not normal. I mean, have you even been looking at your bowel movements? They shouldn't...exist in that way. They are an affront to nature. Go see a doctor. And get ready for a BUNCH of doctors sticking CCTV wands up into your colon and beyond. Don't be fooled by the "Golitely" brand of laxatives they'll give you. They are poorly named.
2) Grow your hair out. You'll be grateful, and the archaic policies of BYU will force you to look like a military man for the next decade or so. So love it. Embrace it. Dad had long hair in high school too, so he can't say anything.
3) You're going to want to study a lot harder in college than you did in high school. It's going to save you a lot of sleepless nights later. Also, maybe play less World of Warcraft. They're going to screw it all up after the first expansion anyways.
4) It's totally cool to not date someone that you don't really like. Just because other people say you'd make a great couple doesn't mean you will. You're going ti be a TERRIBLE couple. Also, don't buy a swimsuit that thinks that replacing laces with elastic will keep those shorts on when diving into a pool. You will be disrobed very quickly.
5) Here's a list of every stock to buy, when to sell, winning lotto numbers, and winning horses for the next 9 years. Go nuts. Go get a submarine.
I don't know how many words this is, I'll check tomorrow. Also, I don't recommend the iPad for long posts or book writing. It hurts quite a bit. Maybe a detachable keyboard would help, but dang. I'm pretty surenI have a Repetitive Stress injury now. See you tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
There's something wrong with my brain, I think; when I hear or read the word "beyond" it replays Buzz Lightyear's catchphrase. In this case, I had a mental replay of a doctor telling a younger James, "Look, we're going to take this giant wire and stuff it to infinity--and beyond!" in this very chipper tone of voice; like he just can't wait to take pictures of your colon. Also, his sentence was punctuated by his hand, violently pointing skyward-in case you didn't fully grasp how that camera was going to get where it needed to go.
ReplyDeleteMore to the point-my laughter from reading these last 4 posts disturbed my roommate to the point where he asked me to close my door. I'm going to be pestering you to write more-- I can't wait to see your regular columns on Cracked.